Reynolds Life and Times

What Unemployed Men Need

// June 29th, 2009 // Business, Career, Personal, Relationships

Recently a good friend of my wife and I came home to her husband (who is also my hunting buddy) laid off from his job. Others provided the typical responses of shock and disdain for the former employer I am sure. Having been laid off three times in my short technology career of 13 years, I provided some really straight talk to her about what her husband needed. I guess it was helpful or something because she shared it with others and they seemed to like it too. In case it is useful (and I hope it never has to be), here is what unemployed men need in my humble opinion:

Depression.

If he is unemployed more than three weeks, count on it. Pep-rally’s are nice, but the best way to help him is to demand sex and be willing to do all the work. Seriously, it does something with the endorphins in the brain and keeps the serotonin flowing. If it gets bad, and it is unlikely to, don’t wait to get on low dosage of anti-depressants… wish I had known to do it.

Identity.

he’s a hard worker, and being without work is like being without your name and your wallet. You feel naked and unsure of who you are. May not happen at first, but just a matter of time… especially if depression hits. Expect him to have to reexamine who he is and how others value him… and how God sees him too.

Truth.

He’ll struggle to find the anchor points of truth in his life. This could even lead to being short/snappy/closed off. It’s cause when you are laid off it feels like you are walking on one of those bridges that goes wobbly during an earthquake. It’ll feel to him like he can’t plant his feet or walk straight. He doesn’t need to talk about it over and over again… may just remind him of his failure. What he needs is for you to remind him of God’s word… and what God has done for you two in the past in providing. Cause him to reflect by talking about how happy you are in the marriage and with your home. Thank him even when his breath is bad, his face ain’t shaved, and he is drinking beer for breakfast (that won’t last long).

Dizziness.

Expect the first week to be a haze. He might be acting business as usual, but deep inside he is mourning. Not that any job is that special, but you mourn the loss of the security/certainty/provision. Allow him to go through all the grieving stages as though he has lost a family member. Listen, don’t talk… he just wants to know you are in love with him no matter what… reassurance won’t touch what is going on inside… but devotion will.

Fighting.

Don’t do it. Neither start fights nor finish them. This will be hard, but he is in no condition to fight productively, so you are just asking to get hurt and to leave him feeling inadequate.

Leads.

When he has job leads, be excited but not forecasting. Don’t start imagining life with this job or the other job. Sets you up for disappointment and him up for failure. Be optimistic and supportive, but not portraying it as the savior of your finances and life.

Friends and Family.

They are all shocked too. They will want to pray and be involved in the day to day. Guard him, he doesn’t need the pressure of having to find the right road and drive the stupid summer camp bus with all it’s passengers. Hold people at a distance on details about the job search, while at the same time letting them know what your needs are if you have them. This includes family. He doesn’t need you babbling to your friends and mother about his potential jobs and the ones that never materialized. He’ll feel like he disappointed you and them. Find kind ways of thanking them for their interest and pointing their fears for you back to trust in Christ.

Fishing and Hunting.

Let him do as much of it as you can afford. If it feels like a vacation, he’ll do more interviewing, more resume sending, and be more relaxed during phone call screens. Make him play even if he feels he needs to be job searching. Finding a job is now his full time job, but he needs the encouragement to take breaks to deal with exhaustion, depression, and the above. Killing things helps.

Prayer and Submission.

Do a lot of it for him, but also encourage him to fully trust in Jesus and pray aloud his dependence on him. You guys do this together. It doesn’t have to be a long, tearful spiritual moment. Just needs to be a daily confession of the two of you standing together waiting on Jesus to make the way. Repeat together what God has given you that is good and praise him for that. Use prayer to remind him of God’s promises. Keep it brief cause he may fall asleep (I know I used to).

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